Published December 10, 2009
Take my hand and move closer,
Inch by inch, we'll take it further
Gaze at my eyes, I'll put you in a trance.
We're in a world where there's only
You and I,
You and I.
Pay attention, all ears on me,
I'll whisper you the sweet words,
You always want to hear.
Under my spell,
There's no escape
You're caught in a moment''s embrace.
Tight sealed, sweet lips
Meets the hungry jaws
Of the ravenous lion.
Heat ensues, the lust prevails,
We take everything off,
We leave nothing behind.
Body and soul, a perfect union,
We pray to the dark,
For this communion.
Every touch, every kiss
Every gasps, every bliss
Remember this moment
For tomorrow...
We were in a world where there was only
You and I...
You and I...
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
This is a love poem. So I don't really know how to help you there, like June said try to stay away from cliche descriptions and images. But I did see some mistakes that will be easy to fix.
Just a simple typo it should be: 's
If you are going to keep every in this line it needs to be "gasp".
I also noticed that you used ... a lot. Some times it is better to use a full stop. Read back through it and see where it needs to end or if there needs to be a slight pause before the next line. That should fix them. Overall I thought it was a good poem.
~peanut~
Hi, I'm Grin, your friendly neighbourhood reviewer
and it gets a little irritating.I have to say, I'm with Katherine on this. It's sweet, but in a slightly scary way. If you cut down a little on the sexual aspect, it would be... nice is the only word I can use to explain what I mean.
As for the writing, I can't see anything wrong with it. It seems sort of like a song, but if it's meant to be just a poem, the repetitiveness isn't quite so effective. You keep coming back to
Overall, though, it's a sweet piece. If you just cut down on the sexuality a little, it won't seem perverted at all, whereas although I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, it does seem like it's a little over-emphasised on the sexual aspect.
I don't mean to be harsh, though. I know it sounds it, but I am trying to be helpful. Overall this was really well worked out.
Hope I helped
~Grin
ok, don't hate me. i found your poem a tad creepy. like.. i understand that your describing sex (are we allowed to say that word? oh well) in such a way that is fond and loving rather than greedily lustful, but it strikes me as.. i can't think of the right word.. it's almost as if the thinking isn't quite clear; hazed, almost insane.
"...gaze at my eyes, i'll put you in a trance..."
"...under my spell, there's no escape..."
"...heat ensues, lust prevails..."
"...we pray for the dark, for this communion..."
each of these lines affected me not as i think you meant them to. it's almost as if the person (man, i'm assuming) is more focused on his affect on his partner rather than the fact that what they are doing is beautiful. does that make sense? it's like he's.. wanting her to be mesmorized by his "gaze" and "sweet words" because it ensures that this girl will be with him and he can have her. it's like the narrator is insecure about himself and has to convince his partner AND himself of the beauty of their "union" when really he should just let it be. When one is being intimate, they aren't thinking about being intimate. it's a feeling, a series of natural reactions to one's partner.
where am i going with this? ahaa i'm sorry, this poem just struck me oddly. anyways, it IS written beautifully, and i'm sure it does make sense. i guess i'm just a little spastic
WOW!!
OK I'm new to Young Writers Society
but my opinion is this poem is so lovely
its so so so so so...... nice!!!
i cant explain the beauty of this poem in words
but its really beautiful!!
It is very beautiful,
I adore the intensity of it.
Hey there!
Fair job done here. I'm a touch biased, haha - it's rather difficult for me to appreciate love poems because they're such a common topic that it's so easy to fall into using the cliche metaphors and whatevernot. It's usually the same stuff repeated time and time again.
All things such as that aside, I can't really offer too much constructive criticism. It's a sweet poem, and it's fairly written.
I really don't like this, though. The lion metaphor is rather cliche-- and even moreso it brings Twilight to mind, so, I wouldn't touch it. Use something fresher, dear. Slightly more original and whatnot.
Thanks for the read! Not a bad poem, just not on my favorite subject.
Best of luck, and thanks for the read!
June
Brilliant. I really love this. You have such great talent, and I'm not even kidding
. (But your awesome-er than the dancing-purple-elephant)
Keep writing!!!!!!!
I really like this. It put a pretty nice image in my head. I will definitley check out more of your work. This one is hands down a favorite of mine now.